“If you're feeling helpless, help someone. ”
― Aung San Suu Kyi
― Aung San Suu Kyi
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did
you do about it?
The last time I felt like this was last year, it was all mixed up in a whole gamut of feelings. Scared, helpless, fear.
It was the time Eveigh had her tonsils out. The actual operation itself was a complete success, no problems whatsoever. It was later on that the problems started.
Around 5am the next morning, I awoke and Mark wasn't in the bed with me, but I could hear murmuring coming from the bathroom. Our white tiled bathroom. And then Mark comes in the bedroom and says to me (remember I am still half asleep) 'You have to go in there, I can't be in there', so I stumble through to the bathroom and there is Eveigh with her head over the toilet and blood is pouring from her mouth, not just a little bit, but as though a tap has been turned on. In fact there is blood everywhere, down the toilet, on the walls on the floor. I stand there and just stare, for that split second which seems to go on for minutes and then I come to. I lean over to hold Eveigh's hair back; she has a lot of hair. She turns her head and smiles wanly at me. To begin with if you know Eveigh, this bravado comes as a shock. This is the girl who will scream the house down if she so much as catches a whiff of spider, braveness isn't a strong point with her. Well that is until she really needs to be brave.
I feel totally helpless, Mark is calling an ambulance, we know there can be problems if she starts to hemorrhage and all I can do is stand there. So I do nothing, feeling out of my depth, standing there watching my poor baby bleed and not being able to help. I can't kiss it better; I can't put a plaster on it. Then I think it starts to hit me: MY BABY IS BLEEDING. This feeling of deep nausea overwhelms me, a darkness starts to creep in from both sides and I think I might actually faint, never done that before. I sit down and try and keep it together. Then I hear a small voice saying 'Mum, I'm scared.' What the hell do you say to that? So I tell her, that everything will be OK, while in the back of my mind a voices is screaming at me, that I can't tell her that, that I don't know, I'm not a bloody doctor.
Mark is then behind me, dressed and tells me the ambulance FRV is on the way. I feel better then to know that someone is on their way, to help, to take the pressure off. Now this may all sound selfish but I want to help, I want to be able to know what to do, as every parent does. But that amount of blood, that takes it all away from you. I am shocked and scared. Helplessness is the only word to describe it.
I couldn't imagine losing my baby girl. When was the last time you felt helpless?