Sunday, 11 January 2015

January 11th

“If you're feeling helpless, help someone. ” 
― Aung San Suu Kyi

Writing Prompt
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did

you do about it?

The last time I felt like this was last year, it was all mixed up in a whole gamut of feelings. Scared, helpless, fear.

It was the time Eveigh had her tonsils out.  The actual operation itself was a complete success, no problems whatsoever.  It was later on that the problems started.

Around 5am the next morning, I awoke and Mark wasn't in the bed with me, but I could hear murmuring coming from the bathroom.  Our white tiled bathroom.  And then Mark comes in the bedroom and says to me (remember I am still half asleep) 'You have to go in there, I can't be in there', so I stumble through to the bathroom and there is Eveigh with her head over the toilet and blood is pouring from her mouth, not just a little bit, but as though a tap has been turned on.  In fact there is blood everywhere, down the toilet, on the walls on the floor.  I stand there and just stare, for that split second which seems to go on for minutes and then I come to.  I lean over to hold Eveigh's hair back; she has a lot of hair.  She turns her head and smiles wanly at me.  To begin with if you know Eveigh, this bravado comes as a shock.  This is the girl who will scream the house down if she so much as catches a whiff of spider, braveness isn't a strong point with her.  Well that is until she really needs to be brave.

I feel totally helpless, Mark is calling an ambulance, we know there can be problems if she starts to hemorrhage and all I can do is stand there.  So I do nothing, feeling out of my depth, standing there watching my poor baby bleed and not being able to help.  I can't kiss it better; I can't put a plaster on it.  Then I think it starts to hit me: MY BABY IS BLEEDING. This feeling of deep nausea overwhelms me, a darkness starts to creep in from both sides and I think I might actually faint, never done that before.  I sit down and try and keep it together.  Then I hear a small voice saying 'Mum, I'm scared.'  What the hell do you say to that? So I tell her, that everything will be OK, while in the back of my mind a voices is screaming at me, that I can't tell her that, that I don't know, I'm not a bloody doctor.

Mark is then behind me, dressed and tells me the ambulance FRV is on the way.  I feel better then to know that someone is on their way, to help, to take the pressure off.  Now this may all sound selfish but I want to help, I want to be able to know what to do, as every parent does.  But that amount of blood, that takes it all away from you.  I am shocked and scared.  Helplessness is the only word to describe it.

I couldn't imagine losing my baby girl.  When was the last time you felt helpless?

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