I was born on a Wednesday and as the rhyme goes, 'Wednesday's Child is full of Woe', this really is me. I know Wednesday is hump day and everyone at some time or another is overcome with a touch of 'Woe is Me' but without fail Wednesdays see me hit a slump. This morning I was fine! I went to the fabric shop, for some samples I have a fete I am off to at the end of June (more on that another time), but then as the day wore on my mood/feelings plummeted. Nothing had set me off, no one had been mean, just a feeling of sorrow.
I know that I have nothing to be sad about, remember I have dealt with depression for half of my life, this is something different, I now realise the difference between depression and this feeling of woefulness. I am generally happy now, losing weight (still have an update on that to do), making things which I love, I have a couple of friends now and I am not so reliant on Mark to get me through a day.
I wish I could shake these feelings though. Lately I have had a few 'orders' to keep me busy, and even though I have things to make (for the said fete) those old insecurities come flooding back, what if no one wants anything, what if people think my things are crap, and so it starts again.
I don't think I will ever 'survive' depression as I am not a victim, I am someone with an illness. If I had a heart defect and had to take medication for it no one would bat an eyelid. If I needed chemotherapy, I would be patted on the back and told that I'm hoping for you. I don't. I have mental illness. An imbalance with some chemicals in my head, something I can't control, unless I take medication so I do. That makes me 'different'. Some of you may well be sitting there thinking, 'but you can die from a heart defect' 'chemotherapy for any type of tumour is not the same, what you have isn't life threatening'. I say to you, wait until you are curled on the floor, not wanting to move, breathe, live anymore because 'they' are out to get you, or asking yourself what is the point as no one will care whether you are here or not. Is that not life threatening? Is my life not threatened?
I no longer have these thoughts but they have been there, just edging over the periphery, waiting for that moment, that dark second in time when your strength just isn't there any more to push it from your mind. I was one of the lucky ones and managed to get help and have a helpful and caring family. There are some out there that don't have that. Their lives are in danger, threatened.
I am not a victim nor a survivor, only because I am me, I have an illness, I am being treated.
Remember that next time you reach for your Nurofen, you are being treated too.